I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs