I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
