I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
