so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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