Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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