I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just blew my weed a kiss
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
