so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
