He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
