i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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