Im at strip club and am horny
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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