it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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