Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
