haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
