Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
