he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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