Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
