forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
