I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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