I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
