i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
