dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
