youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
