the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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