I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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