Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
