Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
