so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
