Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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