At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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