my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
