it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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