you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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