I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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