PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
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The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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