I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
