Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
