I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
