Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
