If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
