someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you never un-have a 4some
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
