I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
