my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
