You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
