so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
