You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
