I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
