Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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