I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
