I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
