hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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