why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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