i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
