When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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