butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm getting married
To pizza
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
