i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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