Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
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so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
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