I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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